How Motherhood Develops Emotional Intelligence

“Have kids,” they said. “It’ll be fun!” they said. 

 

And it is...most of the time.

 

What they did not say was that it will also take you to a place you never knew existed and that when you came back from the edge, you will be exponentially more tired, but have a resilience and self-awareness that I believe can only be gained through parenthood.

 

Often, we are completely unprepared for the fact that these tiny humans will come into our lives and disrupt the momentum that we’ve created in our careers. In the moment, when many of these decisions are made, we’re also pretty blissfully unaware, focusing instead on tiny feet, dirty diapers, and the possibility of a nap.

 

Whether you are a stay-at-home mom looking to return to work, or a new mom struggling with balance, or an executive who also leads a double life as a mom, your emotional intelligence—or EQ—is one of the most influential factors in determining your success in returning, pivoting, and thriving post-baby. 

 

According to Harvard theorist Howard Gardner, “Your EQ is the level of your ability to understand other people, what motivates them and how to work cooperatively with them.” So what are the EQ categories and how do they relate to motherhood? 

 

 

I built a business as a mom of babies. If my phone rang, it could always be a potential client, so I would quickly secure or shush both of them and scurry away to a quasi quiet place. I’d do my best to answer “Rebecca Henninger” like I was sitting at a desk with an orchid and beautifully framed black-and-white photos around me. (This was all of course in stark contrast to the colorful collection of fake food, board books, and precariously piled important papers and electronic devices in the one spot high enough to be out of reach.)

 

These early days were so challenging. As a new mom who was also newly self-employed, I felt like I was constantly failing. Somehow though, the unconditional love of my babies and the sheer weight of knowing they were completely and utterly dependent on me kept me anchored, tethered really, to the sheer reality that I had to succeed. 

 

Any mom who has set her alarm at 4 AM to finish a presentation, pulled out her laptop at 11 PM to finish a project due the next day, or cleaned up a diaper blowout, packed lunches, and signed up for summer camp—all before 8 AM—knows this all too well. 

 

 

As a new mom, I had to learn how to navigate the bizarre dynamic of mom friends, actively seeking out potential companions based solely on the relatively similar ages of our children, or making snap judgements to assess the similarity of our parenting styles or the likelihood that they would be fun to chat with while waiting for dance class to end or running after toddlers the park.

 

I’ve learned how to build friendships that have different dynamics than the ride-or-die relationships I established in college. There’s a new give-and-take when relationships involve your kids. 

 

In the work world, it’s called building consensus or managing across. In the mommy hood, it’s really more about swallowing your pride and seeing the bigger picture.  Sometimes it doesn’t matter that your friend was inconsiderate or that you’re not invited to everything. Diplomacy and tact can be the difference-maker between a clutch carpool or a sleepover invite for your kids. 

 

 

Before kids, I was not a shrinking violet by any stretch of the imagination. Lovingly nicknamed “tornado” by my college best friends, I was a force of nature raised by a mom, outspoken in her own right, who ran for public office in her 70’s.

 

Bold, yes, but also terrified of how I would be perceived, I was prone to over-analyzing the responses of others, and frankly not amazing at controlling the signals I was sending to them. 

 

After kids, I had no choice but to speak with confidence and authority to people who intimidated the living daylights out of me (let’s face it, even the nicest principals are terrifying). Nothing like the weight (literal and figurative) of actual people on your shoulders to help you develop a thicker skin.

 

 

One of the craziest parts of motherhood is the shared experience. Whether we like them or not, we are connected to other moms. If you let it, that understanding can build bridges that lead to opportunity. 

 

We need to stop thinking about motherhood as a roadblock to success. Yes, we are all tired. No, it doesn’t mean you can’t be successful. Connecting with other moms (and dads!) has been one of the keys to my success in entrepreneurship.

 

We are all struggling, because honestly it’s really really really hard. So lean in, buckle up, whatever you need to do to get through it. And when someone in your path is struggling, remember that you’ve been there too. 

 

 

Before motherhood, I was a chronic over-analyzer. I would perseverate over decisions and carefully weigh the potential impact of various outcomes. After children, I had to make so many decisions, quickly, effectively, and often on my own with little or no sleep. 

 

I made so many decisions as a new mom that have altered the course of my life, but unlike before-kids me, I made those decisions with an innate understanding of the weight of others around me and the ability to synthesize it  all without asking a million questions. 

 

One of the most monumental of those decisions—when I quit my full-time job and started a business with a 15-month-old and an infant—was made standing outside a restaurant with my husband, two glasses of wine in with the flush of a few hours of freedom on a chilly fall night across both of our cheeks. 

 

After kids, roller-coaster me was yesterday’s news. There’s no room in mom-life for unnecessary static. Unless it directly impacts the happiness or well-being of myself, my husband, or my kids, it’s not even on my radar.

 

So What?

 

Trust yourself, mom. Your instincts will guide you. Focus on controlling what you can and don't sweat the small stuff. It all goes by in the blink of an eye and before you know it, you’re sharing middle-aged mom wisdom with other moms on Scary Mommy.